Orange Crush

I'm a white girl. It's no secret. I'm pale as pale can be, so pale in fact that in the winter months, I may or may not glow in the dark. But, once I get some summer sun and increase my already incredibly high risk of getting skin cancer, I am a nice sun kissed bronze, and suddenly, all my clothes look better! And I wear less and less make-up! It's like a sun induced confidence boost! And with this confidence boost I've come to realize that tanning, is a lot like drinking.

Once you have consumed alcohol, everyone looks better, more attractive, and a whole lot happier.

Tanning is the same way. When people are tan, they look better, more attractive, and a whole lot happier. Heck, they look down right healthy! In fact, tanning actually makes people look thinner. Really! It's like the only way in the world to drop at least 5 pounds instantly and all you have to do is lay in a tanning bed or on the beach for 10 minutess a day. And if you really wanna look good, you could drink while you're doing it!

In fact, Hispanic and Black women are a prime example of how being un-white makes you look down right sexy. Our society always describes embellished women with naturally tinted complexions as curvy, voluptuous, and sassy. White chubby women however get sent to Jenny Craig with a celery stick because no one likes white rolls unless they're in a basket on the dinner table.

Yet, most unforunately, baking our pasty selves crispy isn't even a viable solution to the pale skin problem because, alack, like drinking, excessive tanning will not only give you wrinkles and skin like leather, it will also gift you with a first class case of skin cancer and kill you slowly and painfully. Ain't that a pip. Just goes to show that everything in life that's fun and makes you feel and look good will only kill you faster.

So the moral of the story is, eat tofu, live in a dark hole underground, and drink only water, and you'll live practically forever, even if you end up looking like an albino and are unable to see in the daylight. Oh wait, no worries, then you can just stake Bella and marry Edward Cullen :)

Venus, Mars, and Your Anus

So lately I have been talking to the men in my life, not the ones I'm interested in, but the ones that I'm related to who are old enough to know a thing or two about life, but aren't old enough to tell me what to do. And let me tell you, they are handy to have around.

I've always been a romantic cynic when it comes to relationships. I've always thought the notion of being in a committed situation be it marriage or simple dating, is nice and rather convenient, but like all other women, I've been hurt a time or two and though I haven't given up on men, being in relationship with them isn't on my list of things to do. Why might you ask? Well, aside from being cheated on....a lot, and being told "I love you and your perfect and you're the girl of my dreams but I really just want to sleep around right now" once or twice, I've decided that if men don't really want to be committed, I'm not going to try to commit them. It's painful, it's stressful, and in the end, everyone ends up screwed (almost never in the fun way).

The men in my life however, have opened my eyes to a new concept that I assumed was a myth (you might want to sit down for this one ladies) SEX DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO MEN. COSMO IS LYING TO YOU!
This shocked me at first because I'm a girl and having been a virgin for 18 years, sex means a whole lot to me. In fact, I've always seen it as an emotional experience, a joining of two souls and other feminine mumbojumbo female relatives brainwash you into believing. Turns out however, guys really don't think of it this way. Sure there are exceptions, but as a general rule, guys can sleep with one women and go home to another because he still loves and cares about the girl at home, but if she isn't cutting it in the bedroom, well, he has needs.

At first, this sounded disgusting and piggish, but now I am totally relieved that men operate like this for a two reasons.
1-When I was cheated on, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or that they didn't care about me, it was simply because I wasn't putting out. Which is kind of a win if you think about it, no pregnancy scares,no birth control and no damage to my self esteem when I find out his ass is unfaithful and kick him to the curb :)
2-If you want to keep a man, be everything you are and everything you want to be, but keep him happy in the bedroom. Of course, it's not all about him, but if you do decide to be in a relationship that is ridiculously long and intricate, don't stop having sex because you think you've caught him, that's just lazy. And if you don't want to have sex with him, leave, because biologically, you both should want to procreate and psychologically, if you are in "love" then you should want to procreate together.

Maybe this isn't news to you, maybe you're laughing your ass off, maybe no one cares at all; but if they key to relationship happiness and spousal fidelity is humping like rabbits, then the rest of life can't be all that difficult and there isn't much distance between Venus, Mars, and Your Anus :)