Venus, Mars, and Your Anus

So lately I have been talking to the men in my life, not the ones I'm interested in, but the ones that I'm related to who are old enough to know a thing or two about life, but aren't old enough to tell me what to do. And let me tell you, they are handy to have around.

I've always been a romantic cynic when it comes to relationships. I've always thought the notion of being in a committed situation be it marriage or simple dating, is nice and rather convenient, but like all other women, I've been hurt a time or two and though I haven't given up on men, being in relationship with them isn't on my list of things to do. Why might you ask? Well, aside from being cheated on....a lot, and being told "I love you and your perfect and you're the girl of my dreams but I really just want to sleep around right now" once or twice, I've decided that if men don't really want to be committed, I'm not going to try to commit them. It's painful, it's stressful, and in the end, everyone ends up screwed (almost never in the fun way).

The men in my life however, have opened my eyes to a new concept that I assumed was a myth (you might want to sit down for this one ladies) SEX DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO MEN. COSMO IS LYING TO YOU!
This shocked me at first because I'm a girl and having been a virgin for 18 years, sex means a whole lot to me. In fact, I've always seen it as an emotional experience, a joining of two souls and other feminine mumbojumbo female relatives brainwash you into believing. Turns out however, guys really don't think of it this way. Sure there are exceptions, but as a general rule, guys can sleep with one women and go home to another because he still loves and cares about the girl at home, but if she isn't cutting it in the bedroom, well, he has needs.

At first, this sounded disgusting and piggish, but now I am totally relieved that men operate like this for a two reasons.
1-When I was cheated on, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough or that they didn't care about me, it was simply because I wasn't putting out. Which is kind of a win if you think about it, no pregnancy scares,no birth control and no damage to my self esteem when I find out his ass is unfaithful and kick him to the curb :)
2-If you want to keep a man, be everything you are and everything you want to be, but keep him happy in the bedroom. Of course, it's not all about him, but if you do decide to be in a relationship that is ridiculously long and intricate, don't stop having sex because you think you've caught him, that's just lazy. And if you don't want to have sex with him, leave, because biologically, you both should want to procreate and psychologically, if you are in "love" then you should want to procreate together.

Maybe this isn't news to you, maybe you're laughing your ass off, maybe no one cares at all; but if they key to relationship happiness and spousal fidelity is humping like rabbits, then the rest of life can't be all that difficult and there isn't much distance between Venus, Mars, and Your Anus :)

The Transfer

Dear College Application to the College I desperately need to transfer to,
You're killing me and I hate you for it. But like all loves, I will continue to long for your acceptance and admiration. Please, acknowledge the fact that I've done an obnoxious amount of extra ciricular activites not because I enjoyed them, but because I knew that if I didn't do them, the world would frown upon me because I wasn't striving for unattainable perfection like the rest of human kind. Please know that I am killing myself trying to get a 4.0 so that you will want me as much as I want you. And please,realize that I spread peace, love, joy, and over achievment around better than a leprechaun in heat.
Begging you on bended knee and loving you from afar,
Grace

Love is all about Whistles

As I was walking from class the other day, pondering what whistle to use to referee the Quidditch Tournament (oh yeah I'm president and founder of my colleges Quidditch Team) I had planned on Saturday, I decided to use the rape whistle my college library gave out on welcome week. Personally, I think they could have given out something more welcoming than rape whisltes, I mean the message that must have sent to parents dropping off their college freshmen...
Anyway, as I was walking back to my dorm I decided to use the rape whislte my college library gave out on welcome week. Then that little voice in the back of my head that tells me not to go down dark rapist infested alleys in the first place making the rape whistle unncecessary, brought up a good point. I have never heard a rape whistle. Not one. And if I have, I had no idea it was a rape whistle, I just assumed someone somewhere was playing some sort of sport and they had fouled.
So I decided that unless rape whistles actually emit a sound that resembles the word rape, otherwise, it's just a whistle.

Romeo, Romeo

Okay, so I've put a lot of thought into what I wanted to say this week. I don't know if you care, I don't know if you notice, I don't even know if you are listening, but let's talk about love.
Let's talk about how different men and women really are and how even though that sucks, it can't be helped. I mean, after all, women have emotions and men, well almost all of them don't. Gay or straight, men are told not to show or share their feelings because, well, it's not manly. Also, women are really the only people in the world that are comfortable with monogomy. Not commitment mind you, just monogomous relationships. The bible and social convention says that men are too, but really, how true is this belief? I mean, it was easy was it not, for Adam to stay with Eve. She was the only woman in the world after all and he had to like her, because if he didn't, well we wouldn't be having this blog session. I am truly interested in figuring out what would have happened if God had created Adam, Eve, and Susan. Bet poligamy would have been legal if he had.
Perhaps this doesn't make any sense, perhaps it is senseless prattle, but the next time you look at man, ask yourself how many Susan's he's wanted to, or has had, in his life. :)

Peter Pan Says I Can

Okay, so I go to a pretty artsy college. In fact, it's the artsiest college in the North Carolina system which makes for some pretty interesting characters around campus. Six foot tall black men in stilettos,life size anime characters,faerie wings, these things I can handle. Yay free expression! However, I absolutely refuse to respect women that wear leggings and tights as pants. Shakespeare threw a tunic over them and so should you. Not only can I see everything your momma gave ya because not even Victoria has a secret that won't give you panty lines; but it's freakin 40 degrees outside! There is no way you can tell me your painted on pantaloons are keepin your visibly defined ass warm.I don't care how comfortable you think you are,cold lady parts make a frigid bitch. But,if you want to keep your cranky pants for the sake of "fashion", learn to match. Those Leopard print tights do not go with your vintage lime green 80s disaster and burnt orange moccasins, so do the world a public service and save that outfit for neverland.

Hello World, it's me Grace

Everyone has a blog now. It seems that the interweb is full of people that feel their lives are important enough to write about and from what I can tell, the world buys into it. So, I figured why not me, too? I'm funny, I'm witty, I have things to say, and for all I know, the world will listen. Or, maybe it won't. Either way, I'll have tried to get it's attention. So for everyone out there that may or may not be listening, my name is Grace, and this is an attempt to get you to open your ears (or rather, your eyes), to the life of an average person that believes nothing in life should be average :)